I really can’t stay (but baby it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away
(but baby it’s cold outside)
We know the one, this old time duet describes an interaction
between two people who are negotiating the next step of their evening and I just
can’t resist but to blahg a bit about this classic holiday tune. Something about this song has irked
me through the past several holiday seasons, so here goes…
This song illustrates a situation in which a man is trying
his hardest to encourage a woman to stay just a little longer, and the woman
duly refuses, raising every reason to leave that she can muster up. Now, the energy of this song does not strike
me as a situation in which the woman does not actually want to stay longer with
this man, however, the compulsion to refuse so vehemently, only to ultimately
succumb illuminates a much deeper issue in our engrained sexual dynamics.
"But Becky," you say, "it’s an old song and that’s just how it
was done back then, it’s not what happens nowadays, and it’s just a song, so what's the big deal?"
And to that I say... yes, while certainly dated, having been originally introduced to
the holiday song scene in 1936, I appreciate that this song is a product of its
time, and a depiction of a very “traditional” scene between man and woman. Why, therefore, am I even bringing this up?
Well, because… what we see and hear in our popular
culture, we inevitably think on a subconscious level, and it always deserves a second
think-through in order to analyze what these messages mean and how we absorb
them.
(You all will certainly hear more about my views of the
power of mass media for positive social change that is currently being
irresponsibly used to reinforce negative messages in upcoming blahgs.)
I simply must go (Baby, it's cold outside)
The answer is no (Ooh baby, it's cold outside)
We all have to change the way we communicate about sex so that
the true meaning of “no” is understood and agreed upon by all parties.
Here we have a woman who is socialized to exert her “proper”
and “chaste” womanhood by resisting for the sake of appeasing her conscience and
her family, as she describes. Simultaneously,
we have a man who has been socialized to recognize this dissent as a predicament of
conscience on her part and to assert his “manhood” until she says yes.
While in this particular case, as in many in real life, this
is a situation in which the woman initially says no, even though she desires
what she refuses, and the man, playing along with this “game”, persists. It is not difficult to imagine how this
problem easily can and often does lead to some genuinely undesired situations and some
likely confusion all around.
This is a problem that can hardly be blamed on men, women, or
any particular person, but rather, the culture of sexual dynamics that we
function within that ultimately contributes to the epidemic of sexual assault
in our society. And even more importantly, it's an issue that negatively impacts each and every one of us, and therefore must be pondered in a very deep way.
Way too many sexual assault situations stem from
misunderstanding and lack of communication between the people involved and it’s high time that we make some changes. With
comprehensive sexual health education, and an increased ability to discuss
feelings honestly when it comes to sex, we can empower people to engage in
healthy and consensual intimacy in their lives.
My point here, as always, is not to ruin this holiday
traditional song, but to invite everyone reading this blahg to constantly be thinking
critically about the messages that are embedded in our popular culture and mass media
outlets. Subtle and rooted as they may be, as in the case with “Baby, It’s Cold
Outside”, these messages impact the way we think, undeniably, and must therefore be analyzed.
But baby, it’s cold outside… Yes, and I am an independent and empowered woman and I would love nothing
more than to stay and have another drink with you.
(Special shout out to Mom, Dad, Rachael, Shoshi, and Kanoa, who, as a result of these discussions have likely had "Baby, It's Cold Outside" stuck in their heads for the past three straight days. Thanks for being patient!)