For my sister, in her last moments of pregnancy

As I write this, I’m sitting in a fully prepared nursery in the home of my 41-week pregnant sister in Nevada. Around me are beautiful children’s books filled with empowering messages for this new tiny human, and a re-purposed CD rack with at least 30 cloth diapers of assorted colors and increasing sizes to fit her tiny bum that will grow faster than we can even imagine, I’m sure.

I have the privilege of acting as my sister’s doula; this impending birth will be the first for us both. As her doula, I take my role of keeping her calm, comfortable, and as stress-free as possible very seriously. This re-emergence of the Fein Toothed Comb (after a nearly four-year hiatus) is dedicated to her, the Comb’s number one fan.

Probably unsurprisingly, this blahg is about our culture and its treatment of pregnancy and birth. While my Master’s credential actually has the term “reproductive health” in it, never have I felt so deeply connected to the issue as I am now with not one, but THREE of my siblings bringing a child into the world within six weeks of today. (We are still trying to figure out which water fountain they all drank out of that caused this to happen… but I digress.)

A few months ago I decided to embrace this mass family impregnation as the time to fulfill a decade-long personal dream of becoming a birth doula. For those of you who haven’t heard that term before, a birth doula is a support person who provides physical, emotional, and informational support to a woman (and her partner, if she has one) before, during, and just after giving birth. The doula course was phenomenal. In so many ways. I learned a ton about emotional support for new parents, conscious and sensitive communication, conscious and productive physical touch, the ins and outs of childbirth (so-to-speak,) and much, much more.

I was struck, and overwhelmed to tears, by the more in-depth look at the medicalization of childbirth that this course explored. I was stunned to hear about the extraordinarily high rates of unsatisfactory childbirth experiences, unnecessary medical intervention, and a culture of fear that has permeated the most quintessential process our bodies have evolved to endure.

I began asking questions. I asked the women around me who have given birth about their own experiences and those of others whom they know. I asked about what happened, how it played out, how they felt then, and how they remember back on it now. I asked what they loved about the experience, if anything, and what they would change about it, if anything.

The emerging theme in my anecdotal experiment, supported by Penny Simkins’ discussion in this article, is that those who felt a sense of control and support throughout their labor tend to view the experience as an important feat, one that increased their sense of personal ability, confidence, and esteem. On the other hand, those who felt that they lacked control or power over their birth experience, recalled the memory apprehensively, negatively, and in some cases a harmful trigger of past trauma.

Whhyyyy, I wondered, is this happening?! This is the most powerful natural process our human bodies are capable of, why is it something we have devalued and dismissed our own ability to accomplish to such a profound degree? Why do we fear the process so deeply in our culture?

While somewhere around 10% of births will require medical intervention due to naturally occurring complications (and thank goodness we have access to modern medical technology when it is necessary,) our country is up to a whopping 33% cesarean birth rate. We have actually medicalized the process of birth in the United States to the point that we've increased the risk and made it a more dangerous endeavor for women and babies.

Mind-boggling, I know. Don't even get me started on parental leave and breastfeeding in our country...

It’s important to note that when I speak of “control” as it relates to childbirth, it is not about controlling the exact specifications of labor, as so much of it is inevitably unpredictable. Control is about being the primary voice in the proceedings, unencumbered by coercion and unwelcomed influence, advice, or intervention. Control is about choosing to allow our bodies and our babies to do what we may not even know we are capable of yet: powerfully, naturally, and majestically. (Not surrendering, but allowing.) And control is about being able to trust that those who we invite to be around us (family, friends, doulas, midwives, doctors) will work to uphold our values and desires to the very best of their ability, and ensure that our health, safety, emotional well-being, and that of our offspring is the highest priority.

So, here we are, a mere seven days past my sister’s estimated 40-week “due date.” We go on long walks every day, we are working on projects around the house, watching movies, and making birth-day cakes to enjoy in anticipation of the day that is just around the corner now. We are in the “in-between” zone, which Jana Studelska so beautifully articulates. We have one foot in both worlds: crib constructed, diapers stacked, breastmilk ready… just no baby yet.

As Dr. Studelska discusses, our language entirely lacks an expression to honor this “in-between” human experience with positivity and strength… so instead, we worry. Rather than resting and reflecting, this time is often fraught with anxiety and frustration over when the baby will come and if it is safe to let the cycle conclude on its own. (I can’t tell you how many people have already suggested that my sister go to extreme measures to induce labor. By the way, stop that, please. She’s got this.) 

When we can’t define something, we tend to fear it, rather than embrace it. When we approach something with fear, rather than open-mindedness, positive outcomes may be hindered. Let's all work to calmly support this in-between time and offer empowering words and actions, rather than upsetting the fragile state of eager anticipation that we are working hard to maintain. Trust me, you'll know when the baby is here.

So for now, my sister and her support team – me, her partner, her midwife, and her German Shepherd – are waiting (some moments more patiently than others,) waiting for this magical, mysterious, beautiful human to emerge, bright-eyed and ready for the world. My sister, in her ever-present wisdom and strength, has laid the groundwork for her birth experience to be empowering, comfortable, and supportive in a way that suits her to a T.

And, we wait.

And Will You Succeed? Yes Indeed, Yes Indeed…

So, I just completed a graduate degree program and am now officially an “MPH”… a Minister of Proper Hugs*, a Magician with Purple Hats, a Mistress of Polyester Hip-huggers, and a Master of Public Health.  I mention this because it has become the impetus for some blahg-worthy thoughts about the role of advanced degrees and the valuation on formal education in society.

When I decided to attend Columbia University in the summer of 2010, I found myself inexplicably uncomfortable with sharing the news.  It seemed that far too often I experienced a level of (not necessarily welcomed) awe from people who I would tell, which for a long time led to my withholding the details of my upcoming plans in an effort to avoid the reaction that caused me to blush and stutter.

In retrospect, my reluctance to broadcast the details of my matriculation was not because I was not proud of this accomplishment or eternally grateful for having had this privilege and opportunity, it was because I do not view it as any more awe-invoking than the many other paths for learning and development that exist and are necessary for our society to thrive.  This is a notion that I have struggled to define and articulate in the face of a deeply engrained high appraisal on a formal academic path in our society.

The human race has an extremely long legacy of placing value on certain types of intelligences.  This legacy now pervades every element of how our societies function and I view it as a tragic loss for people overall.  By “intelligences” I am referring to the different ways that we learn, the different passions that we have, and the different strengths that we all bring to the table, both by nature and by nurture.  That said, I’ve noticed that somewhere along the way (long, long ago) we decided that men’s intelligences are superior to women’s, and that intelligences of white people are superior to those of people of color.

These developments have led to the destruction of one of humankind’s most valuable assets, that of diverse worldviews and intelligences.  Sometimes in ways that are more violent and direct, such as the genocide of Native Americans and their ways of life upon European settlement in the United States, and sometimes it is more subtle, such as the slashing of music, arts, and physical education in public schools.  These acts and many others are the symptoms of a streamlining effect that has thwarted much of our creative and productive potential to the privilege of some, and the detriment of many.

The high level of regard that a formal academic education holds in our society has led to a devaluation of the many other experiences, skills, intelligences, trainings, and expertise outside of the classroom that have throughout history created a synergistic level of richness and depth.

I have recently come to terms with the fact that my particular set of strengths and my chosen professional path is one which society values highly as it fits into the narrowly defined ideals of “success” in financial gain, professional merit, and symbolic milestones; though I will not accept that it is the most ideal.  This is only one particular path, one of billions.  This one works well for me and I feel achieved in my unique path.  The key that I’ve come to understand though is that for one of us to be successful in our hopes, dreams, and passions, we all need to be empowered to succeed in our own.  On a macro and systemic scale, we need to place value on different worldviews in order to draw a full picture and broaden our ideals for a successful livelihood.

These ideas are reminiscent of what the speaker Chimamanda Adichie refers to as “The Single Story”.  We are quite proficient at painting the picture of a whole people based on single ideas of what is or what should be; in doing so we lose sight of the bigger idea, the diversity that truly exists.  I certainly recommend this TED Talk.

I hope that one day my kids and grandkids will grow up with the understanding that each of our strengths is valued and of value in a holistic way.  They will see their voices represented in our media and government and the strengths of our diverse worldviews expressed and considered in making important decisions.

In the meantime, I offer gratitude to the many, many people who have followed their passions and by doing so empowered and enabled me to follow mine; from my family and friends, to the professors and staff, to the construction workers and engineers, to the artists, the farmers, the drivers, the janitors, the painters, etc.  We all need one another and all of our combined intellects in order to succeed.

*Thanks to Shoshi Fein and Sean Crosby for the fun acronyms!

Florida Governor Rick Scott Wears Tight Jeans

I am wearing jeans today because...

…Or at least he should.

Why, you ask? Well, today is Denim Day, a national event to raise awareness about sexual assault in the U.S.  The holiday is inspired by a court case in the Italian Supreme Court in 1998 that overturned the conviction of a man who had raped a young woman who had been wearing jeans.  The judge wrote that “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex”.

Today, all around the U.S., people are wearing denim jeans to demonstrate solidarity with this young woman and the many, many survivors of sexual assault who have been blamed or who blame themselves for what happened to them because of something they wore, someplace they were, something they drank, or any of the many other mechanisms of blame that land on the survivors of these crimes.

I’m wearing jeans today to raise awareness that it was NOT her fault in 1998, it was NOT your fault or mine when it happened to us, and there are NO excuses for sexual assault.

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So this might still leave you wondering what Florida Governor Rick Scott has to do with tight jeans. I shall elaborate...

In the midst of April, the beginning of Spring and Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Governor Rick Scott swiftly slashed significant funding from 30 rape crisis centers of Florida. In response to this major cutback, Rick Scott was quoted saying “This new funding of $1.5 million would have been duplicative, since, as a state, we already fund sexual violence programs. There was no information suggesting any needs in this area weren’t already being met”.

The bewildered Florida Council Against Sexual Violence had to pick it’s figurative jaw up off the floor in order to describe to the press precisely how detailed they had indeed been with the governor in explaining the immensity of their current need for funding.  With waiting lists as long as weeks, sometimes months, many survivors of sexual assault in Florida are not receiving the services they need.

Clearly facing an unmet need, Florida is the latest “victim” of a society that exemplifies the profound misunderstanding of the true impact of sexual assault, not only on the individual, but on the community at large.  Governor Rick Scott, who so easily scoffed this budget cut off as a source of unsubstantiated spending, is contributing to a society that places survivors of sexual assault in a perpetual category of other-ness, disconnecting himself (and tragically, the budget that he controls) from the deeply rooted consequences that resonate through our communities in this rape-prone world.

Speaking of which… 

This Denim Day, I call out to our men. Our brothers, fathers, partners, and friends… This month is your time to speak out and to break the cycle. As Tony Porter so eloquently reflects upon in the TED Talk posted below, it's high time that our men step into action.

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I implore everyone to take a moment, watch the video below, wear your jeans with purpose and pride, and rise up and reflect on our current state and how we can collectively raise awareness and stop the violence.

I hope that one day that you too, Governor Rick Scott, will put on your jeans in solidarity.

You Just Keep on Hoping They Serve Beer in Hell, Mr. Max

Never have I been so pleased or proud that an organization that I love and respect, Planned Parenthood, did NOT get half a million dollars.

Ick.

Last week Ryan Holiday, financial strategist of the best-selling author Tucker Max, facetiously suggested to the writer that he donate $500,000 to Planned Parenthood in an effort to reduce his tax burden and to clean up his contemptible public reputation in many circles who, you know, respect women. After thinking it over for a few days, Tucker Max agreed.

You see, Tucker Max, author of “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” has found his fame and fortune by writing his real-life stories of chauvinism, excessive alcohol imbibing, targeted and competitive womanizing, and behavior that very easily constitutes sexual assault. The fact that our society so readily and enthusiastically consumes this material, enough to make him a best-selling author is another issue worth discussing… in another blahg though.

I’d like to take a moment to highlight the phenomenal statement of solidarity and steadfast commitment to the principle of the matter by Planned Parenthood. Initially excited by the prospect of a major financial donation in a time of great need (particularly in Texas, the state that was dangerously close to being the home of “The Tucker Max Planned Parenthood Clinic”), our beloved pro-woman organization put a halt to the madness.

A few summers ago, in an effort to familiarize myself with his work, I did indeed read quite a bit of one of his vile volumes. (Know thy enemy.) I plowed through story after story of his “escapades”. 

Here are a few choice quotes from his work:

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“Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.”—His winning personality.

“There is a girl lying next to me on the bed, shaking me, saying something. She is not happy. She is also not skinny. Or attractive. She may not even be human.”—That last line is particularly repugnant.

“After about 6 shots, she tells me, ‘I think I am getting really drunk. I always do stupid things when I’m drunk.’ Strike up the band, we have a winner.”—No, sir. You will never, ever win.

“How long have you known women? Dude–They’re all whores. Except our mothers.”—Solid message for our daughters here……..

“No seriously, I will probably just come on your back, then get dressed and leave. And I’ll probably break some trinket of yours on my way out, just to show my disdain for you.”—I can’t even sarcastically comment on this one.

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You may not be surprised that I didn’t make it through the whole book. Indeed, right then and there I committed my life to counteracting these despicable, degrading, and destructive messages.

Particularly poignant with regard to Planned Parenthood, we have one more comment from our loathsome friend, “Planned Parenthood would be cooler if it was a giant flight of stairs, w/someone pushing girls down, like a water park slide”—tweeted by Tucker Max in July 2011.

So let me offer my profound gratitude and kudos to Planned Parenthood for taking a stand against this writer and all of the social ills that he represents and encourages. We will not abide by such abhorrent behavior and the promulgation of disrespect and sexual objectification of women in our society. Our honorable Planned Parenthood will not be the dumping grounds for the disreputable Tucker Max to “rehabilitate some of [his] PR”, a sentiment expressed by his strategist Ryan Holiday in his frustrated Forbes.com post.

To help make up for the high-principled sacrifice on Planned Parenthood’s part, feel free to help condone the act and send the message that we don’t need one penny from the reprehensible Tucker Max by donating to Planned Parenthood!



Thanks to Ben for bringing this exciting news to my attention, and to Thesaurus.com for many choice words to describe my feelings about Tucker Max.

Red Fish, Blue Fish

Let’s spend a few minutes thinking about race in our society. And racism.

Tim Wise, a phenomenal speaker and teacher, suggests that more people in our country believe that there is a chance that Elvis might still be alive today than believe that racism is still an issue in society.  (The video linked to "Tim Wise" is an extremely important talk, I cannot recommend it highly enough.)

As a member of the white race in our society, it is far too easy to not ever know that racism remains. Though many believe that we have already fixed this issue through the high-profile activism of the 1960s, I will discuss here my belief that my generation’s general passivity on the issue is a profound piece of the promulgation of the problem which is now not only still immensely part of our daily lives, but is more silenced and masked than times past.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” –Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., April 16, 1963

As Dr. King so eloquently describes, as long as oppression of any one person still exists, all of us are ultimately negatively impacted. One of the barriers with this issue, though, is that while one group of people experiences oppression, another experiences privilege. A difficult and controversial idea that underlies the issue of ‘isms’ in our society is that to achieve equality in our world, those with the social power need to understand and be aware of that power and the profound and unspoken human cost by which we enjoy it, and indeed, we must ultimately be willing to relinquish some of that power for the sake of creating equality.

The privilege we (white people) enjoy is not always easy to recognize; the deeply rooted nature of it allows for many to not even know that it is there. Or worse yet, to see social privilege and believe that it is solely self-created or a product of one’s own actions, and that those without social power (people of color) are the creators of their own destinies as well. Such denial, such unawareness.

Indeed, having privilege or not is about the schools that we attend and the way we are treated within those schools; it is about the communities we all grow up in and the perspective that that context offers us of the world; it is about the opportunities that are available to each of us and the future that they allow for; it is about the physical and emotional safety we all feel and the impact that feeling can have on our lives; it is about the looks that we receive from other people and the way that they translate into perception of ourselves.

It is about being privileged enough to take these things for granted.

I suggest that to be “colorblind” is far too limiting. The solution to this problem is not to stop acknowledging that we, as a human species, have different shades of skin than one another. Rather, it is to appreciate and RESPECT our rainbow of skin colors and the culture, history, and stories of each individual and their ancestors. It is to increase awareness of one another and our contexts, and to escape the culture of fear that is so perpetuated by negative media outlets, segregated communities, and a reluctance to explore the unknown. It is to recognize and accept the inequities and the privileged culture of supremacy over others that we, as white folks, are raised within at the cost of all others.

It is to constantly strive for a society in which being born in a certain place or with a certain color of skin does not dictate the circumstances and privileges of our lives. 

Rather than only a few minutes, let’s spend a few thoughts everyday on racism... And how to passionately and thoroughly combat it.

In honor of Trayvon Martin, whose crime was no deeper than the color of his skin.

V-Blahg: In Awe and Reverence of Vaginas

We forget the vagina—All of Us

what else could explain

our lack of awe, our lack of reverence.

From “I Was There In The Room”—The Vagina Monologues

The season is upon us.  As you read this, all around the world, thousands of groups of activists are organizing, collaborating, creating, directing, and talking about The Vagina Monologues for their upcoming performances and surrounding V-Week events.

For those of you who have yet to have the pleasure of seeing a production of this show, the series of monologues written by Eve Ensler are based on her collection of interviews of many different women from all around the world.  Set out with the goal of bringing out the stories and issues that make up the complex and unspoken world of female sexuality, Eve’s production, The Vagina Monologues, raises a wide breadth of topics encompassing both the pleasure of womanhood and sexuality, and the danger that sometimes accompanies it.

The first time that I saw the Vagina Monologues, the entire show was performed by four women, each taking turns telling the different stories with different voices and personas.  I left feeling stunningly empowered, inspired, proud, and like I was part of a community that I had not known existed prior to seeing this show.  Having previously believed that the experiences and thoughts that I had around my own sexuality and my... vagina... were unique and that I was alone in these thoughts, the Vagina Monologues brought to light the notion that every one of us has a complex relationship with these difficult and interesting topics.  The show brilliantly highlights the profound joy, pleasure, and beauty of being a woman, while at the same time delving into the frustrations, the pain, and the trauma that far too many of us throughout the world experience.

I’ve found that this year’s script is particularly heavy, as a reflection of the current state of sexual assault in our world.  How is it, I wonder, that this epidemic of rape and sexual assault lives on so strongly and so silently to this day.  Indeed, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) just recently released the research results that reveal the immense prevalence of sexual assault in our society.  The CDC reports that 1 in 5 women will experience sexual assault, and (even more rarely discussed) that 1 in 7 men will experience violence in their lifetimes… a shocking and sobering set of statistics.***

V-Day and The Vagina Monologues, a global movement against sexual assault all around the world entering its 15^th year of activism, is one of the most effective and proactive grassroots movements that I know of.  Through entertainment, education, and awareness-raising, Eve Ensler and the many people who create this show each year, work towards the essential paradigm shift that will lead to the end of the violence.

This year over 5,000 productions of the Vagina Monologues are being performed around the world, every one of them donating 75-95% of their proceeds to local organizations that provide services and educate people in the realms of domestic violence and sexual assault, and to the V-Day spotlight cause of the year.  

Of note, the spotlight cause of the last two years, the women and girls of the Democratic Republic of Congo, where rape and abuse against women and girls is used as a strategic tactic of war, has raised enough money to create the City of Joy, a place of empowerment, safety, and community for women who have survived sexual assault and violence.

To the men in the audience (of the show and of this blahg), I hope for you that you experience the show as a source of knowledge and enlightenment and walk away as unfaltering lifelong allies of this cause.  You are vital co-warriors towards the end of this destructive pandemic, this unspoken war.  The change will happen only once everyone embraces that notion.

The Vagina Monologues are a piece of art, a source of power, and an evolving movement towards the end of sexual violence in the world.  Each year the show grows exponentially in its prevalence, and I urge every one of you to give yourself, your community, and the world the benefit of attending a production of The Vagina Monologues in your community this year, (even if you have before, for each year it’s directed differently, has new monologues, and supports an extremely important cause). 

(And, if you happen to be in the New York area, come to the show that I have had the honor of producing and directing at Columbia University Medical Center!)

As one survivor of sexual assault among the millions, I regard V-Day and The Vagina Monologues as our voice in this systematically silenced war, and with every individual and organization that joins the cause, our voice grows louder and more powerful.

I commend the thousands and thousands of Vagina Warriors who perform, produce, attend, and support the Vagina Monologues each year.  And we will keep on… Until the violence stops.

Love your tree. An excerpt from "America the Beautiful".


Thanks to Anna for introducing this Eve clip to me.

*** A clarification of the stated statistic: According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 1 in 71 men have experienced rape in their lives, while 1 in 7 have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner.

Planned Parenthood, Susan G. Komen, and Brick Walls

Earlier this week, in a despicable display of caving under the pressure of religious zealotry, the Susan G. Komen Foundation announced that it would no longer give funds to Planned Parenthood that the progressive public health organization used for breast cancer screenings for low-income women.

Now, here I sat, thinking that I was going to have to spend my Friday evening writing a raucous and angry post about how appalling it is that the religious right has so little to do with their time that they will sit around thinking up ways to creatively undermine the organizations in our society that actually care about taking care of people. AND THAT IT WORKS…

But, lo and behold, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure Foundation decided that it would reverse its decision and reinstate the $680,000 grant for Planned Parenthood.  This came in response to a massive outcry from the public who, in a display of impressive solidarity with the important mission of the organization, signed petitions and pledged donations that flew in the face of Komen’s decision and ultimately surpassed the amount of money that the Komen foundation grants to Planned Parenthood per year substantially. 

I suppose that can be considered a silver-lining… indeed, Planned Parenthood raised $3 million as part of the reaction.

But, wait… I’m still feeling unsettled, so my raucous Friday evening post is going to take a slightly different turn.

What is it about our country’s political mood right now that allows for this level of intense polarization, to the point that some are willing to sacrifice the health of women through the early detection and treatment of breast cancer (one of the leading causes of death in women)?

Ok, ok, while I don’t agree with it, I accept that there are people who take issue with the controversial topic of abortion.  But what are we coming to when an organization like the Susan G. Komen Foundation, specifically charged with the “race to the cure [of breast cancer]”, feels it necessary to take money away from one of our nation’s leading champions in the prevention of breast cancer, in response to these loud anti-choice bigwigs?

Honestly, someone tell me, how are the two issues connected?  Certainly not in their funding sources through Planned Parenthood, as the organization has made it abundantly clear that the Susan G. Komen funds were used specifically for breast cancer screening services.  Certainly not in their level of controversy, I think we’d be hard pressed to come upon an individual or an organization that is anti-curing breast cancer.  Certainly not… at all related, except that they are both services provided by Planned Parenthood.

So the deal, it seems, according to the extreme conservative viewpoint, is that because Planned Parenthood provides one service that they are not keen on (abortion services, which only accounts for approximately 3% of Planned Parenthood services), we should shut them down completely, without regard for the many, many other essential services that Planned Parenthood provides for people every day throughout our country… The reality is that conservative-minded people are afflicted by breast cancer at the same astronomical rates as liberal-minded people, and Planned Parenthood is always there for them without hesitation and without regard for political ideology.

I look forward to the day that our country will approach specific problems with the goal of bringing the most brilliant and highly qualified minds on the topic at hand (throughout the political spectrum) to one table to create the best possible solutions on behalf of the people they serve.  We need to move away from these stringent and unrelenting brick walls that exist between our political factions so that we can discuss issues with some semblance of sanity.  As we stand now, even an issue as crucial, sensitive, and politically neutral as breast cancer, the cancer that 1 in 8, yes, 12% of women will be diagnosed with in their lifetimes, can be thrown under the bus of our staunch and irrational separation.  How truly sad.

Special shout out to Mollie Williams, a top Komen official who resigned out of protest as soon as the decision to cut ties with Planned Parenthood was made, stating that she did not feel that this decision aligned with Komen’s mission of preventing breast cancer for all women.